Amid growing reports that Russia hacked into Democrat and Republican email accounts, president-elect Trump deemed CIA, NSA, FBI and Halliburton’s evidence of widespread tampering in the American election process “ridiculous” and announced he was applying to the Queen for license to kill status.
“In order to keep our borders and my board rooms very, very safe, I am applying to the Queen for 00 status.” Trump said. “I mean, Elvis, a very tremendous individual by the way, got Nixon to deputize him as a drug undercover enforcement agent at-large. I want a similar status.
“I will be so good at applying my 00 status that everyone will know who took care of Kim Il John, Hubert Chavez and Khomenini. It will be huge.”
To emphasize his point, Trump hunched up his shoulders and mimicked a person suffering from cerebral palsy. “I’m like smart,” Trump said. “These are the same people that said Castro was a threat. Well, Fidel’s dead. Not much of a threat.
Senator John McCain expressed dismay over Trump’s grasp of foreign policy.
“He doesn’t even know when the 4th of July is. He’s thinks it’s celebrated on New Year’s Eve,” McCain said. “It must be the fireworks and all. It’s very disconcerting.”
McCain went on to speculate that Trump’s intelligence briefings must not be intelligent at all.
“Here’s a guy with a bunch of money who paid his valets to take his history tests for him at Trump University,” McCain said. “He should know that the Queen doesn’t bestow a license to kill on just anyone. You actually have to be a citizen of Great Britain to get one of those licenses.”
Nonplussed, Trump said he was willing to stand in line “no matter how long it takes at the DMV” to get a license.
“As I told you, I’m like smart and I am very, very, very, very tremendously tenacious’” the president-elect said.
Trump spokesman KellyAnne Conway defended her boss’s action.
“We won all the debates, so there,” she said.
“Satire? We haven’t had that since 1980.”